Starting Small

Many of you know that I have been on Weight Watchers since about October. I had a goal of losing 23 pounds. Most of the comments that resonnated from friends where, "Serious? or You're already thin".. I love when the change you are making is not something that others may actually see.

One morning I was getting ready for work and I could not, for the life of me, button up my pants. I mean come on! I have NEVER had that problem! So I grabbed another pair, then another... NOTHING fit. I turned to my jeans, although not business casual, but none the less they fit...right?? Out of 7 pairs, ONE fit. And the word "fit" is a loose term here. Disgusted..I left for work. This went on for a few weeks and yes I wore the same pair of pants every day. Sad right..

I had been complaining to John about my weight gain and the usual things were said of, "I don't eat that bad" and whatever lie I told myself. I was struggling as a wife, mother, and friend at this point.. All because of weight you ask? YES.. the gain not only darkened my heart, but it just made me more on edge, unhappy, and depressed. I tried my best to just be happy with what I have and maybe this is the body I will have till I die, who knows.

At work one day, surfing the internet while eating a Jack in the Box Big Cheese burger with pickles... YUMM I looked at Weight Watchers. Read about it and thought, for only $50 dollars for 3 months... it can't be that hard, maybe John will do it too. So I signed up.. No looking back. I'm not going to talk about change and no do it. Im tired of complaining and lying to myself, where has that gotten me!

Now, in all fairness, I do cook, but nothing over the top. I can follow basic instructions and swirving from the norm (recipe directions) is SO NOT ME. I would print off a recipe each night before leaving work. Stop at the local Fresh and Easy bu the kids school, then upon arriving home begin to make dinner. This sparked a certain "fun" side and I loved cooking! And it was GOOD. It didnt taste like diet food. So in reality I wasnt on a diet, I was still eating fabulously, i just needed to cook it and eat smaller portions.

First week lost 2 pounds, and each subsequent weigh in's that first month I lost 2 pounds. After the first month I steadily have been loosing 1 pound a week, with an occasional 2. Today I weighed in and have lost 15 or the 23 pounds I had set out to lose in the 3 months of being a member. The best part of all of this, I had hardly exercised due to time and illness. But I made it through ALL the holiday's, still losing weight....and also made it through some travel as well! Talk about motivation. I am full of it. Measurements have drastically reduced, weight has gone down, I am back into clothes I havent seen in forever!

Starting small and heathly is what has gotten me to my "almost" goal. I have been getting into a few items comfortably that I have had for ages! So when I come flying out of the bedroom yelling, "Look! Look! Look!" My husband has grown accustom to saying, "That's great!". I still have 8 pounds to go, but the difference is, the motivation that this has brought me in my personal life and for every day house projects! I have energy, I feel great! It is amazing what a little weight can bring down in your life! 

For those of you that wondered, yes John did eventually join, but it took about a month for him to see me eating better and losing the weight. Not sure if he just didnt belive it or not. We have both been working hard and small goals have been met and smashed over the past 2 months. The best part is that we are doing it the healthy way! 

Being a photographer lover and aspiring to have my own business one day, we will post photos eventually! I have my goal to get to and for me it will be getting that last 8 pounds off and doing a "trash the dress" photo shoot with John. It will just make things full circle for me. I have talked him into it, but we also want to see the difference it can make on film! Once those are done, I promise to post. In the mean time, this is what I have so far! (disclaimer: I went to upload this picture and got a short fright at the idea of a few being on line, but motivation right??)

I am breathing heavily looking at this and no I am not dunking my son, he is kicking and trying to swim. I never want to see this body again. I will take some after photos once I get to my goal! It is all part of the journey right? We have to start somewhere! :)

Beautiful Soul

Many of us have that special Nana or Papa in our lives that enrich us and that we cherish like no other. When I was little my Grandpa was my most favorite relative. We visited often and spent lots of time building things. With him, I could do anything. When I was seven he passed away and life at that age was different, but the idea or feelings behind such a loss at a young age are different than that of an adult. I missed him so much and couldn't understand why he wasn't coming back or wouldn't be with Grandma when we visited. Over time, that loss changed and grew into other aspects of my life. I started to miss him at big events, graduation, sports, and dances. Even to this day, I was missing him when I got married, had my two boys, and now just in every day life.

My Grandma and I had become closer over the years and she has always been in my life no matter where we moved or traveled to. She is a kind and gentle soul. I see my Grandpa in her all the time. They loved to travel and experience life! I have so many memories of sitting and talking about my life plans or ideas or even career paths to my Grandma. She has lived a full life and managed to stick around to age 90, just about to 91! There are some medical concerns for her and she has had quiet the time going in and out of the hospital lately, but I am starting to see life differently, as if she is teaching me a lesson.

I realize that life is precious and can be quickly taken in a heart beat. I also see a woman with a mind as sharp as a 50 year old trapped in a body that is seemingly falling apart. My heart hurts for her for that reason. I can only imagine how that must feel. You want so badly to go to do something but you just cant. This woman has been such an icon in our lives and here she is, relying on all of us, to maintain her and keep her well. I want her to know that I value her life, love, and heart. She believes in doing what you feel is right and believing in yourself no matter what. She exemplifies, what I feel, is the ideal friend, wife, and mother. I'm not ready to lose her. I never will be. None of us are.

I want to thank her for being there. I want to thank her for loving me and taking care of me and my mom when we needed it the most. The three of us have had quite a trip and a hysterical one at that. I only hope that she can get better, there is so much more to see and do in this life. Her grand kids love her and we love her that life would not be the same, but it would be enriched with the knowledge that she has given us over our lifetimes. I love you Grandma, I hope and pray that you get better soon and that you get to do the things you want before you leave us. Thank you for all that you have done for me, sometimes I feel as though I don't deserve it all, but it is greatly appreciated. I hope you know that.

Love You Dearly! Well, we all do!

Inspiration

Inspiration can be hard to come by. I have been reading, what I feel are, strategically placed quotes that speak to my life as I see it right now. The past year was an interesting one, considering all the friendships that came and went. A few stuck around and I am oh so thankful for those. I realized that many of the people I have met brought something out in me. I learned little things that I didn't like about myself and also understood the whole idea of keeping the ones that matter around you. My life hasn't been the easiest and not too many people know or know why...but I think with some hope and these subtle signs that continue to pop up... There is hope that things will be better.

Have you ever spent a day or days thinking about what if? What if I would of made this decision instead of that one? Or should I of quit or stayed? Many days in the ending of last year I had asked myself several what if like questions...I read in a magazine the other night that if you give thought to what could of been simply means you are not fully satisfied of where you are. You are to look into yourself and find what it is that YOU want..not others.

Growing up in a home where it mattered about what people thought of us, or me, or whoever...left me with this obscure sense of people and friends in my life. Are they with me because of me? Or was I just what they needed at that time. My mom always told me to "play the part in the movie" that life is just simply that..a movie.. But the older I get, I don't want to play the parts that are requested by the people around me. I want to be me. I want to act as myself and whomever stays, were true. With that said, I did do that task last year. Part of it was out of spite, I admit, but at first the intention was there. You tend to lose sight when you see certain people walk away that you thought would be there no matter what. Slowly I began to distance myself as well from people whom brought negativity into my life. THAT got interesting, seeing as though, getting rid of the negative only seemed to bring drama and in turn moments of "why did I even bother, I should of just left it alone". But, I am glad I didn't and proud of my actions and decisions. I am sad that some people are not in my life, many of which I had a bond with and it could of been something great. I have always said, "in a friendship, I should never feel as though I am dating you...if that is the case, I'm sorry, but its over".

Now how does this tie into the above about inspiration? Am I not bubbling on about my problems and getting rid of drama?? Well, a friend of mine, whom I met last year, she has posed the question or rather the statement..."Waste not Want not". Let me explain... A blog has been created that I encourage you to follow. Amomwithoutfacebook.blogspot.com is an extraordinary concept of ridding your life of wasteful moments. The explanation of her departure from Facebook spoke to me. How many times have I been at a stop light, in a drive thru, sitting at home watching a movie with the kids, or hanging with my husband, and found myself checking Facebook for updates on friends and family. I believe that in my own personal makeup that I have shy'd from crowds or getting to know new people out of sheer anxiety. "What if they don't like me? or What if I look awful? or am perceived wrong?" (quick side note..thanks Mom for that!) But you know what?? Facebook has placed that wedge in between truly seeing how someone is doing via phone, in person, or mail and replaced it with an automated satisfaction of "well I don't need to call, he/she is doing just fine". Are they really?

I admire Heather for her journey. I think eliminating certain elements of ones life can be extremely beneficial, as is letting go. In many ways I see myself in awe by her. Giving your 100% undivided attention these days seems next to near impossible, but completely doable if you are willing. I have many goals set for myself in this year and this lifetime. I only hope that the passion and dream I have for photography continues to inspire me. Given my above rant, I only hope to better myself as a photographer, maintain inspiration, drive, and genuinely and whole-heatedly believe in myself as an artist. Some of you may see the connection in this soap box style thought process, others may not. In any event... I look forward to the spark that was just ignited in me and applaud Heather for her efforts.. It is truly humbling to realize how out of touch I was, even though I had the world at my finger tips..

One of my inspirations

The two main Inspirations in my Life!